It's been 800 years since i've logged into this piece! Who is still around?!?! ANY TWITTER BUGS?
ugh, my N key is not quite working out with me--whenever I get to a word with an N im all NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.
It truly makes me want to blow my laptop up.
2 Comments | Comment
subject: Meant To Be|
Isnt it an amazing feeling to get shit done? Dont you just love accomplishing things? It's such a sense of fulfillment, of gratification. Its like a victory over any detail, or even a turn of events. I mean, when we think about the end of our lives, we think about what we have accomplished, and wouldnt it be amazing to think that were happy with those results?
I think when were young, we believe (and I still do) that everything in life just sort of works out on its own. I call this the meant-to-be syndrome. Thats when we figure that every choice we make throughout the course of our lives has a little bit of fate wrapped around it, and we feel like we can remove any blame off of ourselves because how things end up were apparently how they were supposed to end up. I think its all bullshit. Its a cop-out. Its naivety. Its our own inability to accept that fact that the course of our actions are governed by own free will, so when things turn out bad, its our own fault. We are all willing to accept the goods of our lives being our own doing, but not the bad. Then there are the people who blame everything on themselves, even things that really were not in their control, and thats going to the other extreme, which I dont think is right either.
I cannot stand when people look at their relationships and think, "If its meant to be, itll just happen." God, does that piss me off. What are you talking about? If its meant to be?!? As in, Ill just cheat on you, and if my tongue ends up in someone elses mouth, obviously, it wasnt meant to be? Some people actually think that, maybe not so much in those vivid terms, but almost. Some people dont know how to take responsibility for their own actions. Some people dont realize that we MAKE our lives, they dont just happen to us. Stop blaming these invisible external forces of the cosmic universe on your mistakes. They are YOURS. You MADE them. Own up to it, and fix it.
I watched Magnolia the other morning. Brilliant movie that had me thinking so much I havent really even had the chance to process it. I think itll be one of those movies that swirl around in my mind leaving me two years down the line still drawing conclusions on its meaning. Anyway, one point that really hammered home for me was the issue of regret. So many people dying with their hearts filled with regret and sorrow, and often we look at this as just a movie because were not at the end of our lives, and because were still expecting things to just "work out." We dont know what its like to be at the tail end of an existence and look back on how we used that little time allotted to us and feel unfulfilled with what we remember. It happens all the time, and we need to keep remembering that every day and every minute counts. We shouldnt waste it making poor decisions with bad intentions and blame it on our youth or our immaturity. If you want to make bad decisions, do it and live up to it. Have the most fun with it, but you can't use it as an excuse.
Mistakes are important to make, but a mistake is not something you make intentionally. Its not doing something you KNOW you shouldnt and then throwing it out there as a "mistake" as if it were out of your control. Its not the same as a misspelling. Most mistakes are not even mistakes they are just bad decisions that we KNEW we were making. I dont think a lot of things we do wrong are really mistakes as we claim them to be. I dont want to look back at my life and know I did things that hurt other people, which ultimately left me hurting myself.
Sometimes we feel like accomplishments are impossible. make things better. We feel like its too late, or thaWe get stuck in a rut, and we dont actually do anything tot we already put in too much time. Its nice to know we still have the ability to change the course of our lives and change them for the better. Its exhilirating when you make a decision that you know is right. One that you dont regret. One where your soul is filled with a sense of refreshment. Like a cool glass of water running down your throat when you were feeling so dusty and dry, and your body was screaming for it, and it KNEW as soon as you gave it that it was what you really wanted. Knowing what you want and going after it, man it makes your heart pound, doesnt it? It makes your skin tingle. Something in the back of your mind is screaming "YES, THATS what I needed to do!" and you feel like patting yourself on the back because you finally made the decision to your heart, which had been screaming at you. Damn, that sounds dramatic, but if youve been there, you KNOW what Im talking about.
What an exhilirating moment when you take control of your life and do something to make it better. How lucky we are to live a world where we have those options, even when its so hard to see them or recognize them. We CAN do something about our problems, but its about seeing past that spot that blinds us, "Life is about facing the one thing that keeps us from progressing in this universe fear."
This is my life. And I can do with it what I want. That is profound and amazing.
Now, sometimes we dont know if the decisions we are making are right or not. Thats terrifying. Its one thing when you make a decision you KNOW you have to make, but its another when you feel like youre standing at the crossroads, and youre trying to listen to your heart, trying to rely on your intuition, but you cannot recognize which voices in your head are which. You dont know if how you feel is based off of fear or based off of reason or off of intuition. You genuinely cant tell right from wrong in that particular situation, and you are absolutely petrified that you might make the wrong choice. God, is that scary. Life isnt always so obvious. Often we are faced with these life-altering dilemmas, and there is no one there offering the best conclusion. Crossroads are a bitch. I dont know what to say about these. There is a reasonable amount of doubt to everything we do, sometimes that doubt holds you back, and sometimes its an instrument of survival. When do we know which role it will play? I dont fucking know. In fact, Im sort of bummed I even brought this part up because I wish I had some sort of positive statement to make on it. I dont. Some say its a quarter-life-crisis, but recently I feel like every decision I make every damn day is going to alter the rest of my life. I cant even decide on a flavor coffee at Dunkin Donuts without fearing that maybe Hazelnut will please me more than my regular Almond. I panic that everyday is like a giant building block, and if I dont use that day correctly and effectively, Ill end up with a mansion on a faulty foundation, and the whole goddamn thing may come crumbling down on me right after I thought I made a perfect home. Now, thats a lot of pressure. But it's amazing to sit back and think about how all of this works.
subject: Why People Stay In The Relationships They're In|
I understand why people stay in the relationships theyre in, even when theyre not completely happy, even if some things are wrong. I understand why people go back to relationships that were faulty the same reason why others never left when maybe they should have. Its Familiarity. Its Safety. Im not sure right now if thats weak or smart. Right now, I think its weakness because its a form of settling. Maybe thats just because Im still "naive" enough to believe that there are plenty of people out there that will suit me better than just okay, and I just havent met them yet or it hasn't to happend to me.
Just like any other life struggle there are a lot of hurdles out there, a terrifying amount, and if youve dedicated enough time, energy, and hope if youve already gone over enough of the big hurdles, you just cannot imagine starting from scratch again. So, you just make whatever youve ended up with work.
I think when it comes down to it, we all know we want more; we want what we really deserve; and we can put up with any amount of crap for a limited amount of time before we realize that there was no reason to stick around just to be "safe" because eventually, we'll understand that staying in a relationship that we tried to make into more than it was is not a "safe" path at all. It is doomed to fail. And if it doesnt "fail" on paper, itll still fail in our hearts, because we can only lie to ourselves for so long. By then, well wish we were not so afraid to take the harder road with the greater rewards.
Why is it that whenever we have everything except one thing, we can't focus on anything but that one thing. Well, I think we beat ourselves up over this for no good reason. I think life is like a crate of eggs. There are separate spots all lined up, and it doesnt matter if 11 spots are filled, there is still that one hole and nothing else can fill it. Each are designated, and thats it. Sure, its shittier if you have multiple holes empty like I did for a little while, but my point is, there is nothing really wrong with wanting your life to be complete. Im guessing the secret is accepting the fact that there may always be something off, and its nothing to freak out about or rush. Just to deal. The idea of attraction and caring about someone is new to me, a few weeks ago I would be completely freaked out and over it. You can only play the cards dealt out infront of you. You have to let nature take it's course and play your cards the best you can.
I somehow completely forgot this website ever existed possibly because im on crack. I got an email from a month ago-today asking me about why I don't use it anymore, I just find myspace to be so much more useful. All in the same place, and I know im already there when these topics come up in my head. I miss being able to write about pointless shit and my mind full of random funnies-im thinking about starting to write about that stuff in here less serious stuff. I DON'T KNOW. Be prepared for me to catch you up in the next few entries of different topics i wrote about on myspace that you havent seen here!
LOVE YA HATE YA
The Weather Man was my very first career dream from when I was a little boy. I was recently telling my friend Julie about how obsessed I used to be with the weather which followed me as my only career choice until I was about 12, and she said, "Well, then you should do it!" I tried to imagine having that kind of amazing outlook on life; the whole it’s-never-TOO-late theory where if you were to change your mind about shit, it’s totally okay, and you can just try something new again if it doesn’t completely work out. It all sounds great on paper, I just don’t feel it in my heart, even after making a few decisions on a whim. To me, I think about how much time and training goes into each and every thing, and how much it sucks to go after something you don’t even know that you fully want, only to discover that it wasn’t worth the time and agony in the first place, and now all that time and energy you have used is just wasted. I think about how bad it looks on a resume to be all over the place, to show not longevity or consistency or complete and utter dedication because you’re always randomly "trying something new." I think about how it’s always too late, and that if I started from scratch now, I would never be to the level of success I’d need to be by the time I’m 30. I think about how if I don’t figure out what the hell I’m going to do with my life that will make me an easy 6-7 figures by the time I am 25, then I will absolutely never be able to afford living anywhere other than with my family, or in a horrible studio-like apartment with no parking or laundry.
I know the flip side of this. I already know it, so you don’t have to tell me. Basically, it’s stupid to even think this way at 18. Maybe the only way to find out if you like something is to try it, and it’s totally worth it to keep trying rather than to sit around bitching about how I may or may not like it. That if I’m too afraid to actually go for anything, then by 30, I’ll still never have progressed or learned anything at all about what I would like to do, and more time would have been lost, but not by exploring – just by fearing.
So, that’s what it is, I am consumed by fear. I know two people in my life who would always talk to me about that. I’ll refer to them as The Philosopher and his twin soul The Devil’s Advocate (Advocate, for short). "What are you afraid of?" They would ask me, and I would always come up with some cleverly worded excuse as to why I’m not actually afraid, just completely practical. I am very spontaneous and confident in other areas of my life, just not so much when it comes to succeeding. I'm a huge baby. I’m just afraid. Afraid of failure. Afraid of time wasted, and yes, I’m aware of the irony. I’m afraid of blind leaps of faith. I’m afraid that I will never be able to afford the lifestyle I’ve always hoped for myself. I’m afraid I’ve made too many mistakes already. I’m only 18. I’m like a fucking infant practically, but I feel like I SHOULD be worrying about this, it is my future. I have another 80 years ahead of me, a thousand lifetimes. I feel like I have EVERY right to stress about these things because it is my future and it can't wait around forever.
1 Comment | Comment
Most people are so afraid to admit that physical appearance is important to them. Most people that are reading this would be extremely aggravated that I accuse basically everyone of caring atleast somewhat about looks. I wonder if these people are mad because they don’t like to be accused of being superficial, or if they are mad because they are working very hard to pretend that in their mind it isn’t true.
The question is, are you a superficial, heartless person if you do not fall in love with someone because you are physically unattracted to them? It’s a twisted question, and it is unfair to ask. Let me explain why. A girl at my work the other day was arguing with her boyfriend because she realizes that he would not be there in a relationship with her, in love with her if she were three feet tall. She was upset because she thinks it’s fucked up that he would care about her appearance so much that he wouldn’t be with her because of it. This bothers me. It IS true that she would not be attracted to him if he were three feet tall; however, she is claiming that she would have been. She was defensive. Again, I believe that this is because she is uncomfortable with the cold truth that she would not have pursued a relationship with him had he been three feet tall. I mean, there are people who do not care about looks at all that are infact ugly. How can she deny this simple fact?
So let’s look at this…why wouldn’t she have? Physical appearance IS a part of a person. Now, I know this is a delicate issue because this whole beauty running the world of society or whatever really pisses everyone off, but we still need to confront it. People say it’s all about love and chemistry, then it ends up being about wanting the same number of kids. People say it’s all about wanting the same exact things, then it ends up being about the fact that it’s not fun to kiss them. People say it’s about having as many things in common as possible, then it’s about that ONE book or musician that you can’t agree on. My point is that there are a lot of factors involved, and they vary for each and every relationship. Sometimes looks matter. I don’t think that looks should be everything. I don’t think that they should be more important than being able to laugh together, but the fact is a lot of chemistry and sexual attraction relies on being physically attractive to one another, or wanting to touch that other person.
Now, when I say “physically attractive” I don’t mean that the person is necessarily the typical American ideal. I don’t mean attractive by the standard that others create. We all have our own ideas of attractiveness.
Anyway, my point is that there are more important qualities to a person that make them truly attractive as Shallow Hal teaches us, but I think it’s important that we do not lie to ourselves about our own superficialities. I don’t think it’s necessary either to overly brag about this superficiality. I just can’t stand it when people say that they only care about someone’s heart and mind, but don’t always take the time to examine others’ hearts and minds because they don’t match up to their idea of physical beauty.
1 Comment | Comment
Why do you all do it? All of you at one point or another have somehow allowed an asshole (male or female) into your lives and hearts for them to trample all over your trust and self-worth. You practically whisper in their ears the secrets to your pain, nearly drawing them a map of the path to emotional destruction. You keep an ample supply of opportunities to be belittled, and you swallow more pride than water.
Let the truth be told, you were tricked and trapped. Your love is literally kidnapped when a seemingly good stranger offers you candy. Before you knew it, your love was no longer yours to control and you pray for the strength to break away, the mercy to be released, or even the good fortune of being rescued.
To those who are not dating assholes do not understand. They do not see you as the victim because we are all masters of our own fate. "He sucks. Get out of this relationship, Cut him out of your life and don't speak to him again." Ahhh…so easily said. And every thought in the back of your mind, there is an "I know. You're right," you cannot escape. This cold cage has become home, and there is no place like home - twisters and all.
Love doesn't seem to care if he's nice, just as life doesn't care to be fair.
What's so painful is that it's difficult to not blame yourself. Yes, you've been trapped into loving whatever this person had shown you leaving you unprepared for what he's hiding. Still, you're left wondering what ever happened to your judgment? "How could I have not seen this coming? How could I not know that this was going to happen? How could I have let another person hurt me when I swore last time that it wouldn't happen again? How many more times do I have to go through this?" How many times can you break and be glued back together before the cracks are too obvious and you run out of glue?
I guess when a stranger offers you candy, you can't help but want a taste. Pretty soon, you will realize that a piece of candy is not nearly enough to get you into that car and on that journey to someplace you may not want to go. Well, you deserve more, and you should not, under any circumstances fall for a guy again who has nothing more to offer you than fist full of Skittles and some promises he doesn't plan to keep and lies he will continually feed you. He should hand you a full course meal and move on over to the passenger seat, and then maybe you should talk to him.
4 Comments | Comment
mood: tipsy & embarassed for myself|
I want to say that I absolutely love this website and I wish I could take it everywhere with me--every party, everything. I feel so happy to have it, and I love it in my heart for so many reasons whether or not I express it all the time. Firstly, it's all mine. 100% mine. No one can tell me how to run it, what to do with it, what I have to say, what I can't say. I can be completely myself and not worry about what anyone thinks of me. At work, I can't tell every customer or employee what I think. If I'm pissed at someone, particularly a superior, I can't tell this person s/he's an asshole/bitch without suffering some sort of consequence. I can't tell a customer/employee that I hate them if I do. I have to be professional, I have to swallow up my feelings, my urges to speak my mind. I am free here. Fuck can be every other word(even though im not Kyna), and no one can do shit about it. I'm free here. Sure, I'm not completely free. There are laws. I could write about people, and they could see what I say about them-but im way past that, i've done it before and it's not good. I have to be creative and cautious when I'm dying to express my feelings about someone or something that I'm not comfortable talking about specifically, which to me makes it all the more adventurous even though im not all that revealing. Still, I like this place.
The other reason I like this place (a reason I had to explain to some chick who emailed me to stop complaining so much here), is that I don't need anyone to come here. Sure, I like knowing that a lot of you do come here. Sure, it's fine checking the comments on this place - knowing that even if no one sent me an email, I still have people showing up just to read what I have to say-whether it be to criticize me or just keep themselves from doing work at their jobs. Point is, I'm free here because I don't NEED or depend on my comments to have this. People actually read/commented a lot more before when I didn't write about anything important but still I don't gain a thing by having 100,000 people show up to read what I have to say. I'm not effected at all if everyone just decided to stop coming here altogether, and it was just me writing in an empty alley off the world wide web covered in dust and cobwebs. What makes me so happy about that is knowing that if you don't like coming here, I don't care. Here - if you don't like what I have to write, you can go, and I'll be okay. That's huge for me. That's important.
And what I like most about this place is that if I want to babble on in unnecessary detail about something that I find interesting, no one is there to stop me. I don't have to sit there and watch some awkward body language tell me your done listening to me. I'm not going to be interrupted with a change of subject. I'm not going to worry that you don't care, that I sound stupid, or that I'm talking too much. Sometimes people don't listen. It's really hard to find people in your life that just let you talk, let you go. It's hard to be the person to let people talk on and on about something that interests them. Sometimes, you tune out when you don't mean to.
3 Comments | Comment
There seems to always be so many horrible options out there. Some people are doing what they love, but they don't make enough doing it. Some people are doing things they hate, that have them working 92 hours a week with no life of their own, and they're making shitloads of money. Some people are working jobs that leave them feeling unstimulated and uninspired and still not making enough money. None of those good. They're practical, they're realistic, they're what we have to do, but I think that's leading me to learn the scariest lesson I've had to learn about life so far. You can't have it all. I mean, you could try, but if you don't sit back and recognize the fact that you might not end up with every detail you thought was a part of growing up, you'll be depressed. You are dealt hands, not a deck. Even if you have the best hand, that's just one round, and life is more than that. It won't be perfect all the time, and though I always knew that, I thought that there was an end. I thought things "ended up" right. It never ends though, does it? It keeps going. I don't know if it ever gets easy, maybe there are times when things are easier than they were, but never easy. I don't know if I would have rather known that or not. I don't know why I ever thought life would just be handed to me and I wouldn't have the troubles I have and the ones I will continue to have. You grow up watching Disney and half-hour sitcoms, and it's ingrained in our heads that there are happy endings, happily ever-afters. Logic never matters because you still FEEL like a happily ever after will come. It doesn't.
I don't mean to say that things will never be good or that I'll never be happy. I guess I just have to learn that I will be happy and I can be happy as long as I understand that I have to make the best of everything I have and try hard to get what I want without expecting that I'll get everything I want. That's hard. When you're young, you're not willing to compromise with fate like that. When you're young, you make demands on life, not requests. The adjustment from one to the other aches in your heart, feels like growing pains.
This lesson becomes clearer and clearer to me as I write: we cannot rely on things outside of our control. We need to pay attention to what we can control, to our feelings, to our relationships, and we work on what we can work on. When a wave comes to knock us down, we have to know what we have in life, and use our support system to pick ourselves back up and start again. Our support system can range from best friends to our own sense of self-respect. We have to utilize what we have, which may not always be a lot. Even if I find the perfect job, I may not be able to keep it. I may discover I want to do something else, I may discover a lot of things that makes my life nothing less than pure complication and discomfort for long periods of time. Maybe if we KNOW that life has this weakness, this brokenness and unreliability, we can come to expect much less of it. I'm not talking about cynicism and thinking the world sucks so if ANYTHING does go right, it's a pleasant surprise. I am talking about having an understanding that life won't always go your way, so that when shit does hit the fan - though it will still suck a lot, it won't be the end of the world. We will KNOW that life does go on, because sometimes we allow too many things in our life to feel like life or death. It's not healthy, and it's not help helping.
Growing up seems to be about gaining the ability to draw the line between illusions and dreams. Wisdom becomes learning what it is we need to let go of, and what it is that we need to pursue. We should fight to for everything we want, but know that getting everything we want won't ever achieve perfection. Perfection is about balance, not pure gain. It's a good thing to know, but it's a shame we all have to discover this the hard way.
I remember being really little and realizing the finality of every moment of time. I couldn't even begin to tell you how old I was, if I was 3, 6, or 9. I remember how my room at the time was set up though, and how the bunkbeds were set up along the side of the window and how my moms room was directly across from mine and my brothers room - so it must have been before I was 9, and I looked at the clock. It was 11:59pm (I was always one for staying up late), and it hit me that this was the very last minute of today. I thought about how in a few seconds today would be over and it would never come back again. Then I realized that this single minute is the only minute like this it can ever be. This minute of this day, of this month, of this year would never ever happen again. After it changed, it would all be over, and every minute is the same way. It felt like the greatest and saddest discovery of all time, and looking back at 18 years of living, I still find it to be as profound of a concept as it ever was. It is all passing, and we can't ever get it back. It can end just like that, everything swept beneath you. Feel free to take a break from rushing around today enjoy the sweet pleasures of summer and life. Walk barefoot in the grass, stop and look at the sun and everything around you--look at yourself in the mirror: MAKE YOUR BIGGEST SMILE (Look at your smile. Look at your face. Look at the little wrinkles around your eyes when you are smiling.)
Drink all the lemonade and iced tea you can.
Have that popsicle--You deserve it.
5 Comments | Comment
mood: pissed off|
I feel ready to pick a fight. I'm mad for no reason, and I'm in the mood to stay mad. You ever feel that way? I feel like getting someone really pissed off. No, I feel like making someone feel guilty. I feel like making someone apologize to me.(Even though theres no reason to apologize, just the feeling you get when someone apologizes to you--WHATEVER IM PSYCHOTIC GET-OFF-ME-OKAY) Not even, I'm actually feeling like going to bed angry. I think I kind of like my dreams when I go to bed mad. It's strange. It's like, I go to bed feeling all sorry for myself, hating the world. I picture a giant, dark hole that goes eternally into nothingness, and I picture myself falling into it. I allow my heart to feel like it's sinking into my stomach, and that's how I drift off. If that isn't emo - I don't know. Send that one to your little "Meaning Of Dreams" book.
Have you ever noticed that if you're talking to someone who's happy, who's trying to make you happy - you feel both angry and guilty. Part of you is telling you to swallow your pride and just be happy, but another part is feeling frustrated and angry, maybe with not even anything in particular. It's like you're angry that someone won't let you STAY pissy. The other part can't help but acknowledge how hard the person is trying, how patient, how forgiving.
When you feel yourself getting into a better mood, you're almost upset. I don't know why I would want to stay in a bad mood, I don't understand that feeling. I would almost try to upset the other person, so that they don't cheer me up, but if I do upset them, I feel guilty and sad. God, it's strange. I've felt it before. I hate it. It's quite upsetting. It's a problem when you're angry and getting cheered up makes you feel worse. Definitely a problem.
This John Edward book has been putting me in a strange mood these past couple of days. Yes, I just publically admitted that I've been reading a John Edwards book. I don't know, maybe just too much thought on death, but it's more than that. All this talk about the spiritual plane, of spirit guides constantly giving us direction. It has me thinking so much more about intuition, about when I feel I should do something, when I feel I should call someone and the reason. The book has challenged my ideas of fate, of everything happening for a reason. In some aspects, it really makes me believe that everything we do, everything that happens is guided. Even death is not meant to be stopped sometimes. However, if you can't pick up on spirit guides, you can make a wrong decision. John speaks to these spirits who often have him tell their loved ones they are on the right path. This implies that there is indeed a wrong path, and we are very capable to taking it. I think I have very little intuition. I don't think my spirit guides like me that much if I do indeed have them, which makes me wonder if everything I do happens for a reason, or if I have made then and I am going to make some more wrong decisions. Now there is so much more in question. I can't think that everything will be alright because these guides could be telling me something, and I don't obey because I'm not sure if my doubt is my guide telling me to do something else, and then poof - I'm doing the wrong thing. I would actually be on a WRONG path. What happens then? Does that mean I'd be unhappy? Does that mean I'll never fulfill my dreams? Does that mean so many things are not lessons, just mistakes, just wasted time? See, this is a bad time in my life to lose faith that whatever decision I make will be the right one because fate had me chosing it. Then fate didn't have me chose it. Fate led me to the place where I had to make a decision, and I could have made the wrong one. Now I have little confidence in the questions I'm even asking myself about these issues.
Maybe there are many ways to get where you are supposed to go. Maybe it's what it all adds up to, not the individual steps. Maybe it's like that saying, "When God closes a door, somewhere he opens a window." Look at a map, there are always multiple routes to take. Some are longer. Some are shorter. Some are scenic. Some are dangerous. Some are tolled. Maybe life has options and taking any one of them can get us where we need to go. Maybe there aren't wrong paths, just unfavorable routes to the right place.
I'm not sure. I feel like there are regrets to be had. I think we definitely make mistakes, but things might have a way of working themselves out as long as you keep an open mind, stay passionate about living a good life, don't sacrifice what you care about. Stay true to yourself. Stop making excuses.
There will be times when you'll feel split. I know I feel that way right now. I want everything, but sometimes you have to make things balance. I can't decide what's right. I don't know if the reasons for either decision are made up to make me feel better. I'm not sure what I really want. I know what i'm afraid of. I know what I don't want a bit more. I want everything, and I don't like not being able to have it all. I don't know, my mind is so scrambled ALL THE TIME.
3 Comments | Comment
I'm not sure how I feel about anything right now. I went from a good night but slightly boring at work to looking forward to going out with friends, to completely analyzing my life and choices-once again. I find it to be so bizarre how many emotions a person can have simultaneously. How I can feel terrified, lonely, and heartbroken, but also feel hopeful, eager, excited and motivated. How some moments I just want to lie in bed with a bud light and curse the universe for not giving me some better warnings, and then other moments finding myself curious about the deliciousness of newness and fresh possibilities. How one second I think there is no way I could find any complete happiness in my life, and the next second I wonder if pleasant surprises are just around the corner.
Moving on, moving forward, taking steps in positive directions-why is that always so confusing? Why do we sometimes believe that life is really pushing towards one light up ahead only for there to be so many detours and roadblocks along the way that the lights won't ever get closer? How much of life is a puzzle, an illusion, a joke on me? How much of it is a lesson?
Why when you work so hard towards something can't that something meet you halfway and work a little towards you?
How do these changes even happen?
I'm trying to learn how to NOT think about things, how to stop being analytical, how to stop finding the negative, how to take control, how to make choices, how to let go of things, how to respond and not react, how to be a hero and not a victim. But with all growth comes growing pains, and my mind is aching.
I want to make my family proud, I want to be successful. How does a person erase all that they are and become a new person? The main stress in my life is aspiring to be successful. How could I let myself push myself away from success when it's all I've strived for? How has this happend to me? How do I learn how to genuinely NOT care, NOT stress, and NOT THINK about something I want so badly, something I'm determined to get, something that is becoming my entire life? Because it's only when you've stopped caring and stopped looking does the answer actually come. Okay, so how do you MAKE that the case rather than waiting for it to be the case?
How can I be so confident in some areas of my life and not confident in this? Why can't I just KNOW I'm going to do well everyday when I walk into any place rather than praying I will do well and make my family proud? Why haven't I figured this shit out yet? When will I relax and find simplicity?
subject: words won't quit.|
My head is absolutely everywhere sometimes, like right now..
Here are some questions that come up quite often when I am alone.
What do you do when the rug is pulled out from under your feet?
How hard do you fall when you had no idea it was going to be pulled out as soon as it was?
When you hit the ground, can you figure out which hurts more, your body or your ego or your heart?
Have you ever asked yourself, "What's next?" because you don't think you can handle much more?
Have you ever tried to explain something to someone, but you couldn't because you were too busy trying to pretend to be happy?
Have you ever wondered how you'll ever get to sleep tonight?
Do you know what it's like to stare at the ceiling blurred by tears like glossy blankets on your eyes?
Have you ever been so grateful for the intense support and ear of a friend?
Have you ever wanted to take away the pain of your friend long enough so they could get some rest?
Do you know what it's like to think, "Is this really happening to me?"
Have you ever been so exhausted from carrying the weight of life around that you might lose your will to complain?
Has anyone ever said words to you that were the exact words you had most feared you'd hear?
Have you ever wondered if someone is lying to you because the truth is so humiliating to you they can't even spare to tell you?
Have you ever kicked yourself for being right in the first place but letting it get to where it is?
Do you regret things?
Have you ever felt like such a fool that when others insult you, you let their harsh words seep into your skin right to your soul?
Are you familiar with that feeling of not knowing how long it's going to take this time to forget, move on and really start your life again?
Have you ever gotten tired of being understanding and forgiving?
Have you ever just wanted to be mad and hurtful?
Have you ever been sick and tired of the same old shit?
Do you know what it's like to hate?
Do you know what it's like to want to hate because it feels better than admitting you're hurt?
Don't you hate it when someone's made a mistake that you know they'll regret one day?
Don't you ever just want to stop them and slap sense into them?
Do you believe that awful things are blessings in disguise?
Have you ever kept a secret?
Do you know what it's like to have to share when you crave privacy?
Do you remember thinking, "Maybe it's my fault?"
Do you remember then thinking, "It's not my fault?"
Can you imagine life the way it will be now when things were another way for so long?
Do you know what it's like to wish you could speed up time?
Has anyone ever made you feel stupid when that's the last thing they wanted to do?
Do you know how much it hurts when you realize you've been lying to yourself?
Has anyone ever been careless with your gifts, be them words or trust?
Can you ever trust anyone again?
Can you ever trust your own judgment again?
Have you ever said to yourself, "Not again"?
Don't you hate it when people were right?
Don't you hate it when you're wrong?
Don't you hate how unsympathetic and judgmental strangers can be to whom they dedicate so much time?
Has anyone ever said, "I told you so," or "no wonder" because they think it's funny, when a day will come that that person will feel the same pain and would die if anyone ever treated them the way they treated others?
Have you ever thought to yourself that you quit?
Have you ever just wanted to give up completely?
Have you ever been so torn between the emotions of wanting to hug someone and slap them across the face?
Have you ever thought that things would be different if you had done things differently?
Have you ever been completely unsatisfied with how things have turned out?
Have you ever just longed for silence?
Has silence ever deafened you?
Have you ever forgotten what it's like to wake up excited about something?
Have you ever woken up and temporarily forgot what made you cry yourself to sleep?
Have you ever then remembered a second later and the whole world collapsed in again before you've even gotten out of bed?
Have you ever asked why, even when you know why because the explanation doesn't seem fair or right at all?
Have you ever found an answer to the billions of questions you can't stop asking when this happens?
1 Comment | Comment
It's so strange how life works, isn't it? I know it's a statement that doesn't exactly inspire any new thought in this universe, but sometimes I'm truly fascinated by the twists and turns that come most unexpectedly. It's like driving in a heavy fog. You're still moving forward, and you can see you're on a road going somewhere, but only once the road actually turns do you even know that's the way you're headed.
Sometimes I look at where I am, what I'm doing, and who is around me, and I can't even see how things turn out the way they do. How in a week's time, you can end one life end with a new one already beginning filled with new friends, new places, big plans, and bright futures. All of this while mourning an old life you once lived so happily. Sometimes, there aren't even any transitional periods. Sometimes, you wake up and a whole new life is handed to you, and you can't even believe you're the same person. It's like I feel like people shouldn't even call me Mikey sometimes because the world is unrecognizable to me, so should I be unrecognizable to it?
Anyway, I had a dream last night that I was poor. I don't mean less fortunate, I mean poor. I dreamt I had $10,000, but gave it to a friend who needed it for something. I was homeless with only a candy bar to my name. I remember feeling strangely motivated. I thought, "There are a lot of things I could do. I could file things, work in an office, people like me it will be easy to make money." I wasn't thinking bigger, like a career, because I needed to get a paycheck immediately. I thought that I would be fine. I was so optimistic, it was weird. I just felt determined to get back on top. I thought I would start small, buy nothing, eat only what I needed to survive, and save up money. Hmmm...I wonder what that dream means.
2 Comments | Comment
I'm officially 18, I leave for the airport in an hour and a half.
CANADA HERE I COME! :D
hopefully i don't get arrested or alcohol poisoning.
5 Comments | Comment
I'm planning on venting like a fricken banshee in this entry, so DEAL with it, or go somewhere else. I'm pissed at everyone and their mother right now for like no reason.
You know those days when every fucking thing goes wrong, and every goddamn person pisses you off? You know when everyone else either does something wrong, or they say something wrong, and then YOU do something wrong, so you have to be annoyed with yourself on top of everything? I’m having that kind of day. It wasn’t supposed to be that kind of day. It was supposed to be a nice day. Didn’t turn out that way. Turned out going to total and complete shit.
You know those days when you just hate everyone? When you don’t know what you can do or where you can go so no one talks to you because if anyone talks to you at all, even for a second – you swear you’ll punch them in the face or curse them the hell out? and you don’t want to go right to bed because then it’s quickly the next day when you have to go to work and be consumed with hatred all-fricken-over again. So you have to stay awake to appreciate not being around any people. You want to stay awake and appreciate being totally angry.
It’s that feeling where you really want to hurt someone else’s feelings, and you know how to do it too. You sit there on the fence about whether or not you want to go through with it. You think about all the terrible things you’d like to say to people, and then finally feel that sweet release of tension as you place your pain on someone else. If you’re angry enough, you can toss the guilt about it right out the window. You just want to get under someone else’s skin.
The worst is when you tell people what's wrong, and they try and explain to you why you should feel better, why you SHOULDN'T be that upset, how you're overreacting, and how you need to alter your own behavior even though everyone else on the planet is being an asshole first. That's when you start thinking about the truely harmless ways of rebelling. This is when I see if it's possible to punch straight through your pillow while the feathers go in every direction.
I'm sick and fucking tired of feeling pissed about something and not having anyone to just say, "Oh, that sucks. I totally understand." Don't give me any fucking advice. Don't TELL ME HOW I SHOULD ACT OR FEEL!!! THIS is how I feel, OKAY??? I don't CARE if it's for the stupidest reason in your book. It's MY goddamn book, and I'm MAD. If I'm crying over spilled milk, then just be a friend and say to me, "I fucking hate it when milk spills." Don't give me SHIT about it.
Don't ask me what's wrong. Don't ask me if I'm okay. Don't give me advice. Relate to me or shut the fuck up. If you don't want to hear it, then don't look at me fuming and ask what's wrong. I'm not going to tell you if you are seriously incapable of understanding how I feel. I don't WANT to feel rationale. I don't want to manipulate anyone into doing or saying what I want while letting them think they're right. I want to tell people how I fucking feel about them without losing my job or losing my friendships. Some days I wish I could just be SO honest to people without having to worry about anything, and then just erase their memory so I don't have to deal with their shit (but I still get to see their reaction to the truth.)
It's official, im psychotic on my birthday week.
4 Comments | Comment
OK THIS ENTRY IS ALL OVER THE PLACE BARE WITH THAT IN MIND!
This weekend/week has been really awesome because all of my friends are out on school vacation. So every night it's been like hanging out with the best fun people. I hate the idea of my friends going off to college more than anything, it really depresses me. Drama all over the place, but w/e when does it not follow me everywhere.. im trying to look beyond it.
Have you ever loved your boyfriend/girlfriend but had SO much to complain about him or her? Have you ever wanted to kick your dog, but if anything ever happened to your dog, you would cry for days on end? Have you ever said, "Ugh, I hate my life," but you obviously know that you love your life? Have you ever really enjoyed your job, but came home from work, put your feet up on the table, and ran down a list of everything that fucking sucked about it that day? Doesn't everyone do that? Or does everyone come home and take a deep breath like Snow White when she wakes and says, "God, I LOVE my life, my friends, my family, my lover, my job, my body, my clothes, my world!!"? Is complaining really an un-natural thing? For me it's actually kind of soothing and therapeutic.
Tonight sucked though, boring night at work even though a ton of people stopped in multiple times to come in and see me. But I had my hopes set on this party tonight @ coys and it was the lamest experience of my life--the people who showed up?? I WAS JUST LIKE WHAT THE HELL HAPPEND TO THE VIP PARTIES? whatever. LOL GOD I NEED TO STOP BEING SO STUCK UP AND GET OVER MYSELF... actually no I don't.
I leave for Canada on thursday, which is pretty gnarly? But it snuck right up on me, I have NO money and I owe my friends BIG! I don't know what the hell im going to do?? I really kinda wanted to go shopping for clothes before I went too--oh well. When I say I have no money for Canada you guys are all probably rolling your eyes, but it's no joke. I'm going to be staying at a 4 star hotel with no money? How the hell does that work?
I keep having really weird dreams about death and it's freaking me out? Which is why im most likely not sleeping tonight--SO THATS PRETTY COOL W/E CAMERA ON..CAMERA OFF IM OVER THIS ENTRY RIGHT NOW.
10 Comments | Comment
It's amazing how much our thoughts can get in the way of us living our lives the best way we can. It's so surprising to learn how often our own minds can keep us from being happy when happiness is the only thing we crave. We are our own worst enemies. It doesn't matter what our intentions are. We keep ourselves from accomplishing our own goals because we're afraid. And we don't even know what we're afraid of. Being happy? Maybe happiness is so rare that we don't know what to do with it when it's there. Are we sabotaging ourselves because we know how to do that? Because sabotaging is easy and being happy is so hard? Are we afraid of being happy because if we have it then we have that to lose? Is it easier to not be happy because then we always have something to strive for - or worse, we don't want to be happy because then we no longer have something to bitch about? Are we playing the victim?
It makes me think about Forrest Gump, a character so simple and so pure that he lives instead of thinks. Here is a man that lacks insecurity, lacks fear. He is not brave. He is not strong. He is. He just is. And because of this, he is successful, but not to him. He is not trying to be successful. He is not proud when he becomes it. Being successful means obtaining that which is desired or intended. I don't believe Forrest desires or intends anything. He "does." When he does something, he does it completely because he doesn't understand there being any other way to do it. Isn't that amazing? He doesn't comprehend failure. Not because he refuses to fail, but because it is a concept that does not exist to him. It is so simple, but we think, we complicate, and failure is something we know, befriend, and ironically nurture. Forrest wants to run, so he runs forever. Does he consider setting records? Being a leader? He is not even aware. When he wants to fish, he fishes.
I've spent my life over-thinking and over-analyzing everything because that is how I am. It's something I do naturally. It doesn't feel like a choice, and maybe that's my being weak. I comprehend the word "risk," and I wish I did not. I complicate things, and I don't want to. I hurt myself. I hurt people around me. It's not just the thought that counts. It's the action. My actions haven't been so great, and I haven't meant to be this way. I haven't meant to bring other people down with me in my feeble attempt to be happy (or has it always just been an attempt to remain unhappy?). I think about other people and their opinions of me.
You know those moments when you're truly selfless? They're not all the time, but they happen. You forget about your own life completely. You just think about that person and how to make them happy. It feels really great to forget about yourself sometimes. People attempt that all the time through false methods like drugs. They try to ignore themselves by obscuring their ability to think clearly because they think it's their thoughts that are destroying them. It's a long, dangerous journey only to discover that those ways of distracting yourself only keep you focused on yourself. You don't become selfless, you become a blur of selfishness that you can no longer control. It's when you do something good, something healthy, something for someone else that you feel relieved because you actually know what it feels like to use your strength towards making the world (or someone else's life) a little better. Patch Adams. That scene in the mental hospital when he entertains his roommates delusions? The joy it brings him to get out of his head and to find a way to GIVE. The joy in love. A love you do not fear because it's not about receiving it, it's just about giving it, and that can't go wrong.
5 Comments | Comment
[ currently viewing - most recent entries ]
So Heather, Kara, Jessica and myself went to the Maroon5/Donna's concert on Monday.. it was pretty sick. But upon arrival I was PISSED. Me and My friends paid $52 bucks @ ticketmaster last week for floor tickets. We were told by the woman it was standing floor, which would be awesome because that meant we could make our way to the front. We had no idea ithe floor would have seats&rows--but our view from the seats was pretty good, we were pissed because they ran out of RED COUSHINED CHAIRS, and we were ONE ROW AWAY FROM RED CHAIRS! AND given shitty uncomfortable plastic seats. We also found out everyone around us--and people way up in the front paid less than we did for their tickets, which some had purchased hours before the actual concert and had better seats than us. We ended up moving center floor on the nice chairs half way through the donna's, but none of that chair business really mattered once the show really got going because we were standing the whole time. It was just kind of shitty how the money situation with the seats happend. Maroon 5 was AWESOME live!
So we booked Canada officially yesterday--for those of you who don't know, for my 18th birthday me and my friends booked airfair+hotel in Montreal Canada from April 28th(my bday)-May 1st. YEAH LET ME JUST SAY I LOVE IT?? ;)
ps. totally download this song!
7 Comments | Comment