Mikey Jacques (mikeyjacques) wrote,
Mikey Jacques

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It's amazing how much our thoughts can get in the way of us living our lives the best way we can. It's so surprising to learn how often our own minds can keep us from being happy when happiness is the only thing we crave. We are our own worst enemies. It doesn't matter what our intentions are. We keep ourselves from accomplishing our own goals because we're afraid. And we don't even know what we're afraid of. Being happy? Maybe happiness is so rare that we don't know what to do with it when it's there. Are we sabotaging ourselves because we know how to do that? Because sabotaging is easy and being happy is so hard? Are we afraid of being happy because if we have it then we have that to lose? Is it easier to not be happy because then we always have something to strive for - or worse, we don't want to be happy because then we no longer have something to bitch about? Are we playing the victim?

It makes me think about Forrest Gump, a character so simple and so pure that he lives instead of thinks. Here is a man that lacks insecurity, lacks fear. He is not brave. He is not strong. He is. He just is. And because of this, he is successful, but not to him. He is not trying to be successful. He is not proud when he becomes it. Being successful means obtaining that which is desired or intended. I don't believe Forrest desires or intends anything. He "does." When he does something, he does it completely because he doesn't understand there being any other way to do it. Isn't that amazing? He doesn't comprehend failure. Not because he refuses to fail, but because it is a concept that does not exist to him. It is so simple, but we think, we complicate, and failure is something we know, befriend, and ironically nurture. Forrest wants to run, so he runs forever. Does he consider setting records? Being a leader? He is not even aware. When he wants to fish, he fishes.

I've spent my life over-thinking and over-analyzing everything because that is how I am. It's something I do naturally. It doesn't feel like a choice, and maybe that's my being weak. I comprehend the word "risk," and I wish I did not. I complicate things, and I don't want to. I hurt myself. I hurt people around me. It's not just the thought that counts. It's the action. My actions haven't been so great, and I haven't meant to be this way. I haven't meant to bring other people down with me in my feeble attempt to be happy (or has it always just been an attempt to remain unhappy?). I think about other people and their opinions of me.

You know those moments when you're truly selfless? They're not all the time, but they happen. You forget about your own life completely. You just think about that person and how to make them happy. It feels really great to forget about yourself sometimes. People attempt that all the time through false methods like drugs. They try to ignore themselves by obscuring their ability to think clearly because they think it's their thoughts that are destroying them. It's a long, dangerous journey only to discover that those ways of distracting yourself only keep you focused on yourself. You don't become selfless, you become a blur of selfishness that you can no longer control. It's when you do something good, something healthy, something for someone else that you feel relieved because you actually know what it feels like to use your strength towards making the world (or someone else's life) a little better. Patch Adams. That scene in the mental hospital when he entertains his roommates delusions? The joy it brings him to get out of his head and to find a way to GIVE. The joy in love. A love you do not fear because it's not about receiving it, it's just about giving it, and that can't go wrong.
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