Mikey Jacques (mikeyjacques) wrote,
Mikey Jacques

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The Weather Man was my very first career dream from when I was a little boy. I was recently telling my friend Julie about how obsessed I used to be with the weather which followed me as my only career choice until I was about 12, and she said, "Well, then you should do it!" I tried to imagine having that kind of amazing outlook on life; the whole it’s-never-TOO-late theory where if you were to change your mind about shit, it’s totally okay, and you can just try something new again if it doesn’t completely work out. It all sounds great on paper, I just don’t feel it in my heart, even after making a few decisions on a whim. To me, I think about how much time and training goes into each and every thing, and how much it sucks to go after something you don’t even know that you fully want, only to discover that it wasn’t worth the time and agony in the first place, and now all that time and energy you have used is just wasted. I think about how bad it looks on a resume to be all over the place, to show not longevity or consistency or complete and utter dedication because you’re always randomly "trying something new." I think about how it’s always too late, and that if I started from scratch now, I would never be to the level of success I’d need to be by the time I’m 30. I think about how if I don’t figure out what the hell I’m going to do with my life that will make me an easy 6-7 figures by the time I am 25, then I will absolutely never be able to afford living anywhere other than with my family, or in a horrible studio-like apartment with no parking or laundry.

I know the flip side of this. I already know it, so you don’t have to tell me. Basically, it’s stupid to even think this way at 18. Maybe the only way to find out if you like something is to try it, and it’s totally worth it to keep trying rather than to sit around bitching about how I may or may not like it. That if I’m too afraid to actually go for anything, then by 30, I’ll still never have progressed or learned anything at all about what I would like to do, and more time would have been lost, but not by exploring – just by fearing.

So, that’s what it is, I am consumed by fear. I know two people in my life who would always talk to me about that. I’ll refer to them as The Philosopher and his twin soul The Devil’s Advocate (Advocate, for short). "What are you afraid of?" They would ask me, and I would always come up with some cleverly worded excuse as to why I’m not actually afraid, just completely practical. I am very spontaneous and confident in other areas of my life, just not so much when it comes to succeeding. I'm a huge baby. I’m just afraid. Afraid of failure. Afraid of time wasted, and yes, I’m aware of the irony. I’m afraid of blind leaps of faith. I’m afraid that I will never be able to afford the lifestyle I’ve always hoped for myself. I’m afraid I’ve made too many mistakes already. I’m only 18. I’m like a fucking infant practically, but I feel like I SHOULD be worrying about this, it is my future. I have another 80 years ahead of me, a thousand lifetimes. I feel like I have EVERY right to stress about these things because it is my future and it can't wait around forever.
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